i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
