my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How does one acquire holy water?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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