Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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