I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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