turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
