my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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