I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
