I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
