theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
