Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
