someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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