I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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