1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
