The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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