im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
