I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
