Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
