I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
