Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
