I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
