someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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