Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
