no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
