so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
