my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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