Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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