Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
