I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
