He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
