Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
my liver is dry heaving
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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