It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
