Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
