the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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