alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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