morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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