It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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