just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
