Will you blow on my dice?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
