oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
