I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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