If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
