I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
