after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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