yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
