I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
