If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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