the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
