I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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