I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Your penis caused this!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
