I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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