So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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