party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
