babies were throwing up all over the place
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
