Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
don't judge my taste in strippers
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
