My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
