I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
