is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Oh god it's open bar.
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