got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
